im so fucking sick of this shit controlling my life. I just want to live life and not be held down by my emotions. I know i could have it so much worse but i cant help feeling like im worse off than someone suffering from a horrible disease, but yet i am suffering a horrible disease. im just scared that im going to lose hope one day and off myself. Thats the cause of all the anxiety i have. the hardest part is determining wether something i cant control is putting these thoughts in my head, or im putting them there myself. Its really sad that i have to live like this. I can proudly say ive never cut my wrists. Idk if its cuz im just too scared of pain or if i just think its pointless. maybe both. This is why i am so attached to you, you helped me escape from myself. but thats not right. thats just hiding the problem. i really want to fix whats wrong with me but at the same time am so scared that nothing will help it and ill be stuck like this forever.
To sum it up this is what goes on inside my head everyday
irrational thoughts > anxiety > depression > hopelessness > fear of suicide > desperate desire for solution to problems > anxiety
somewhere in there is the dwelling on how badly i need someone in my life to make me happy > only person that ever took the pain away is you > desire to have you back in my life > anger towards what you did > realization that you never meant to hurt me > thoughts of how great it would be to have you back > thoughts contradicting those thoughts about how you arent the right person for me > DEPRESSION because my thoughts are so fucked up and jumbled > anxiety > back to the beginning
im so scared
i cant fucking do this anymore. everyday i wake up and instantly i feel anxious as fuck about absolutely nothing. then the day goes on with me feeling depressed as fuck while dwelling on the same thoughts over and over again. I come home and go over my friends house because i dont want to be alone with myself. i get there and all i want to do is leave because nothing is fun to me anymore. My depression is taking over me again and i really dont know how much longer i can take it before i give up completely. I fucking miss you so much and you dont even know. You were everything to me and now i cant even talk to you because im too scared of the way i feel about you. It was so much more than love, you were my escape from myself, and now i have nothing. Im so alone, i wish you were there for me like you used to be. i wish you would feel the pain i feel, the fear i feel everyday for myself. This isnt me, this is some fucked up version of me that wont leave. The only thing i look forward to anymore is sleeping. its my only escape now from myself. but then i wake up everyday hoping today will be different, bu then i have to face the scary reality that today will be the same as yesterday, and the day before. Thats so fucking scary. I havent had a good day since before my birthday. if you only knew how important you were in my life. You saved me from myself with love. And now that the love is gone, the demon has broken out and taken over my life again. someone please help me
what hurts the most is when im lonely or sad or just having a shitty day, i just want someone to come home to who can cheer me up and be there for me. someone who will drop everything until everything thats bothering me goes away. thats what im missing from you. i feel like your not really there for me when i need you the most and that fucking sucks. like obviously your miles away so you cant actually be there but it makes me question everything, it makes me want to just say fuck it and leave everything. i dont need any feelings from you or stupid shit, i just want you to be there for me, like i am for you. I cant even say this shit to you because youll get mad or annoyed with it and it gets me nowhere when all i want is for you to love me like i love you. what kills me the most is the hope i have, the hope that when were actually together, youll change ur ways and truly be there for me. but its the hope that creates the what ifs, the uncertainties and waht not. i just want me and you together, loving one another, no pressure no bullshit, just love. having eachothers backs, being there for eachother, and making eachother happy.
